Thinking About Paris — Faith in Ourselves or Faith in God

What a sad day in Paris. The world is wondering —  Why?

And as a parent an even more horrifying question is Was my child in that concert hall?

Sitting in my tiny office, I’m trying to come up with a catchy blog that someone will enjoy reading, but all I can think of is the mayhem in Paris.

I’m beyond asking why things like this happen. Instead my mind goes straight to the broken hearts of all the parents who are now  grieving  for their beloved sons, daughters, and the children they left behind.

I can imagine the horror finding out that my child was killed at the concert. And I can imagine an even greater horror — having to go and identify the body.

This event could have happened now in New York or the Philippines.  I have a son in each of these places. Either one of my boys could be in a concert hall that is targeted. If such a terrible thing happened, I would be on the floor curled up  and numb to the bone. 

This is the reason why I on lean on my faith. For me, what else is there?

We either have faith in ourselves or faith in a higher power that can do the impossible, provide us with peace and comfort and help us find solace when our world becomes upside down. I find that if I only have faith in myself, I’m doing it all on my own and fear appears. Fear gets my nerves in a frenzy because of my need to control the outcome. It is not a good space to be in.

My faith is in God. When I trust and believe in Him, fear lessens. For I know God has the power to protect and shelter my boys from harm and work miracles in their lives. That is where I place my faith.

My point is this — we have no control over the future. We can’t be with our grown children every hour of their lives.

We can only pray for our children on their behalf and have faith that God goes before them in all that they do. Every time I’m done praying for my boys, I hear God saying to me, “I’ve got their backs. Don’t worry.” And I remind myself I can’t worry and pray at the same time.

Dear God,
I know that you will transform whatever evil is going on in Paris into good for your own purpose. At times I don’t understand at all what is happening in this world. Draw Paris close to you.
Deliver them from this heartbreaking event. And give them strength to rise above their pain and help them and the world come together for peace.

Thank you. Amen.

Lola

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

LET GO

“Mama,   you taught me
everything I need to know. Let go,
everything will be okay.”

 

One Day It Will All Make Sense

 

Sitting across from Ralph I feel a vibe that I can’t
describe. I only sense it.

“Mom, it will all come together,” he says.
These are the perfect words for me to hear as I struggle with uncertainty about what the heck I’m doing with my life.

Ralph and I share bits and pieces of conversation
about his career and opportunities in New York as relatives are vying for time with him. He only had three days to visit. He came to attend his cousin’s wedding. [It was a really good time. See photo below.]

My son. In front of me is young man that I pray for nightly.
I pray that he will grow up to use all his talents, be respectful, down to earth . . . all the things that you hope your child becomes. What I sense is that he has all those good qualities and much more.

We have a couple of hours till the wedding so I ask him about his job.

“I like my two bosses. And you asked me two months ago when I started how I would rate it.”

“And what is it from 1-10?” I inquire again. “And don’t tell me what I want to hear just because I’m your mother.”

“It is a 7.5. On a good day an 8.” He smiles.

“Your position is different from what you originally told me you desired to do. I’m confused. I thought you wanted to represent talented artists?”

“That plus produce one day . . . right now I’m marketing Indie films. One day it will all make sense.”

“So . . . what do I tell friends who want to know why you are living in New York?”

“You tell them to keep their eyes open for my name in five years.”

AWW . . . Oh . . . he’s gooood. I’ll use that too when people ask me what the heck I’m doing with my life.

Now I know how to describe the vibe I am getting from my son . . . it is his quiet confidence. I love that about him. I think it’s sexy.
Now, mind you, I know it sounds weird using the word “sexy” as I talk about my son, but you know what I mean.

Having a quiet confidence, whether you are a man or woman, is sexy. There is nothing so annoying as someone constantly boasting about his/her life changing accomplishments.

This I know . . . keep moving forward. Don’t stop.
Don’t let uncertainty and doubts get you down.
Ask God to show you the way. The path will appear.
Trust that it will all come together and make sense.

I made many wrong turns along the way in my life by simply of not checking in first with what God’s plans are for my life. I learned that when go around thinking that I can do it all myself, my plans turn out to be disastrous. And, I tell yah, life is such a B$#@&*! when I try to be in control.

Dear God,
Seems to me you are taking good care of my son living in the Big Apple.
Please continue to teach him the way, light his path, and always find favor in him.

Thank you.

Amen, Lola

Naysayers Say the Most Ridiculous Things

 

Naysayers, you know who you are.

Last week Ol’ Wise One and I were talking in the kitchen.
“So, now you want to start a career at 63 . . . ,” he says dismissively.
( I had just mentioned to him that I wanted to work part time. )

Oohhh! Hold up now.
I can ‘t believe that came out of his mouth.
I want a part-time job . . . I didn’t say I wanted to become a doctor
or lawyer or join the Peace Corps and travel to Africa.

Someone else can do that.

And how dare he age me nine years!
I was ready to throw my favorite coffee cup at him, but I refrained
from doing so.
Instead, I took a breath. Then, these words flashed in my mind,
“You are not in control. God is. And I think God can still use me.
I’m not dead yet.”

After calming down, I decided to forgive him. It wasn’t easy.
For me forgiveness takes awhile, but eventually I get there.

Naysayers say the most ridiculous things, don’t they?

Here are some examples:
1. You can’t move to Manhattan, you’ll never make it as an artist.
Stay here with your mother and me. There’s nothing wrong living  in
the town you grew up in.

2. You’re going to marry her?  It will never last.

3. You applied to the Juilliard School? To do what, ACT?
But, you are not beautiful/ tall/thin/talented  enough. You don’t have
the right look!

4. You want to be a artist? They make no money! How about welding?
Or the cement business? Now, that’s where the money is.

Since turning 50-something, I learned that naysayers are a group of
people who are in fear of what MIGHT happen. They are afraid.

If they felt secure enough to completely love and support us,
we could take them along for the joyride of a lifetime.

When you have a naysayer in your life, you can cope by putting their
comments to the side. Forgive them, but take heart in knowing that
they do not know YOU. For that reason, they do not know what the
heck they are talking about.

Do what you have to do to reach your heart’s desire. Wake up each day
and show up in life. Make the most of each day. Give it your best shot.
As long as you are still breathing, God can use you.

If joining the Peace Corps is in your heart, then plant your feet firmly
on the ground and start walking in that direction. Want to be a chef?
Go to culinary school. You want to write that book, then commit and
wake up two hours early
and turn your lap top on.

Dear God,
Why do we have naysayers in this life? Why?
I don’t get it.

I believe that when you put desires and goals in our hearts,
there is a reason. You want us to go out there in the world and use
what you gave us.

I know you are still in control of my life. I will continue
to seek your will until you say otherwise.

Amen,

Lola

You Know I Can’t Handle Not Having AC, Part 2

Because I am my mother’s treasurer. She has very little
treasure in the bank.

Mom will write a check to cover the cost of the car repairs.

“Hold on here . . .,” you might be saying. “Why is your mother paying?
It should be James. ”

That’s not how it works in my family.
We are all co-dependent and
we lack boundaries.

Mom will write a check.
James who is 50 years old has only zeroes
in his checking account.

I worry about my mom’s finances because
she is at the age when hiring a nurse or
major health problems may be on the horizon.

There are times, I point and wag my finger at my mom for rescuing her five children too much. She should have stopped doing it 30 years ago.
We are all grown now. Yet, she won’t let go and let her children figure it out.

Though Ol’ Wise One and I miss our sons a lot.
I’m actually happy that they live far away. I want to break the cycle
of co-dependentcy and with years of therapy I have learned how to create
boundaries.

Having the boys live far gives them the opportunity to
see that when you ignore the maintenance light, it’s a sign that the car needs some love.

Lets pray.

Dear God
Take away my worries when it
comes to my mother’s finances
and her rescuing ways. She is 75 years old.

She will not change anytime soon.

I put my hands up now and say to you,
You are in control, whatever happens will
happen.
Amen, Lola
*from ILLUMINATA, M. Williamson

You Know I Can’t Handle Not Having AC, Part 1

Do you have siblings and
and a parent that say and do things that
annoy the sh– out of you?

James has borrowed my mom’s Honda for one year.
The maintenance light has been on for 10 months.
He has never bothered to say
“Hmm . . . the car might need new oil . . . or a tire rotation” or
“Maybe this light means something important like the car needs some tender loving care?”

My sister Rita-May came to visit for two weeks and she
stayed at my mom’s apartment. She also borrowed the Honda.
During her stay, the temperature went up to
95 and beyond.
The car’s AC failed to work.

Nine a.m., my cell rings .
“Good Morning. Did you know the AC decided not to work?
That’s right . . .”
I can just see her sitting right in front of mom’s clip on fan
with her orange toes perched on top of her Louis Vuitton luggage devouring a Cinnabon.

It was only a matter of time before the Honda
was going to break down, but I was not going
to nag my brother James to get it serviced. I have my
boundaries.

“You know . . . I can’t handle not having AC, ” my sister complained.
“We always have the AC turned up HIGH in our home, car, and office.  I can’t believe no one has AC here. This is upsetting.”

First world issues for Rita-May.

“Well, of course you have AC ,” I told her.

She lives in 115-degree, dry heat
year round, so she would be DUMB not to have AC.

Does she not recall being born and raised in the Pacific NW?
Having AC is a luxury. For sure, my next home will have AC just so when Rita visits me, she can put her feet up, relax, and enjoy her apple fritter. For now my AC are two fans.

Rita took the Honda in for
service. It needed oil, A/C compressor, coil set and filter.
She’s smart. She didn’t ignore the maintenance light.

But, I got another phone call.
“Lola, the car repairs on the car cost $1,500.00. That ‘s with my military discount. I just saved ya’ll $250.00.”

“Relax, Lola,” I say. I will now recite my meditation mantra:

Show me how to love
Teach me how to extend my light
Remove the barriers of my soul*

I feel a migraine coming.

Why did I answer the damn phone!?

****Part 2 tomorrow

Life Gives Lemons But No Juicer, Part 1

Has life given you lots of lemons
and no juicer to make lemonade?

My 50-year-old brother James is smart and hilarious.
I love him and right now that is all I can do.
Every year when I have Thanksgiving at my home,
he gets his own cherry pie. He loves cherry pie.
I like to make him smile.
His life is never sunny.

James has a basket of lemons he holds on to.

For some unexplained reason,
he can’t seem to or won’t
channel his smartness to getting in his car, driving
to Target, and buying a juicer so he can make lemonade.

I have learned that when people in your life
throw you lemons, you can always say
“NO, thank you.
I don’t have a juicer.”

And I have learned, that when I have to, I can make pretty good lemonade from the lemons that do come my way. It isn’t always easy, of course.

But, my brother, hasn’t ever quite figured out what do to with the lemons in his life. He doesn’t throw them back. And he doesn’t make lemonade. Here are the lemons in his life:

*Our dad was an alcoholic and was never was around.
*He had bad case of acne as a teenager.
*He never graduated from high school and can’t seem to keep a job.
*He got a divorce.
*The bank foreclosed on his home after he neglected to pay his mortgage.
* He has filed for bankruptcy.

With that many lemons, he could have
gotten himself a lemonade stand.

I believe my brother suffers from depression.
I went to the doctor with him to see if
he can get on medication . . . the doctor gave him a prescription.

But my brother slipped it into
his wallet and there it stayed.
Ol’ Wise One offered him a job,
but my brother never filled out an application .

I could go buy him a juicer, make lemonade for him, hook it up as an IV on his arm, and give him a shot of B12 in his ass, but I don’t think it would help.
Hmmmm . . . as much as I want to fix him, I retired
from fixing other people’s issues. Too exhausting.

I do know this from my own journey,
I have done my best to beat my depression, panic attacks, and
anxiety. I have had 12 years of therapy.
I was on lots of medication, but now I’m down
to one . Yahh. I have had lots of lemons
thrown at me or the lemons just magically appear in my life without my asking for them.
But, one day I drove to Target
bought a juicer and began making lemonade.

My road back to healing has been a lot of work.

********Part 2 tomorrow

Waiting . . .

 

 

Is it hard for you to be still?
Still enough to take a few minutes each day to quiet the mind
and hear what the God of the universe has to say
and learn the direction he desires for us to go?
Most days I walk ahead of God
and don’t take that few minutes needed to
pause and allow God to reveal his wisdom.

I have the hardest time doing that — listening and waiting.
But when I commit
to the moment to be still  — I receive
an array of wonderful Aha! thoughts.
Imagine that.

Just the other day, I was walking to
my Starbucks office with my head down and
thinking about why “my life” is like it is.
I wasn’t coming from a place of being
ungratefulness or miserable  — I was checking in with myself, coming from a place of awareness.

Talking to myself, I said,
“Maybe the reason why I’m in this valley and the
valley so low is that God is still creating and shaping all the
missing puzzles pieces that belong and perfectly fit
in my life.

Here are the things I have been waiting on:
* ‘Ole Wise One and I have been searching for
the perfect 2,500-sq.ft. three-bedroom home.
It’s probably being painted and staged right
this minute.
So I will have to wait.

* My son, Ralph, to be hired by this well-known agency in New York.
My sense is that before he gets the position
he will have to wait on tables a little while longer.
Hmmm . . . I guess that means my son will be a waiting waiter.

* That exciting career for myself that I have been
praying for and visualizing in lotus position when I meditate.
Again, perhaps all the things I have been
doing lately like writing, blogging,
having a chance to speak at this
one retreat, and attending bible study are
shaping me for what is to come.

Not only do we have to wait for our careers to take
off and the home of our dreams to show up . . .

. . .  we wait for smaller things like the light to turn green at an intersection
or we patiently wait in a long line for our
triple tall non-fat caramel macchiato with a light drizzle
of sweetness.

This I know —
If we can wait for our favorite smiley barista to
concoct that perfect macchiato, I think we can wait on
God for a few minutes each day. We can take the time to pray for his  direction and
allow him to create, shape, and connect all the missing
pieces in our lives.

Let’s pray.

Dear God,

Today, take me to a place in my
heart, thoughts, and body to patiently wait
for your timing and all that you have for me.
I know the best is coming.
Thank you for the confetti of blessings that you shower upon me.

Amen,

Lola

DYNAMIC BADASS

My BF Mish and I had an uplifting phone conversation this morning.
I shared about our 12 days in Manhattan — how Ol’ Wise One and I had a relaxing time seeing our son, Ralph. We spent time  with him by strolling through Central Park,
attending three plays, and visiting the top of The Empire State Building.

In the middle of our trip, we bought  tickets  to a Yankees game in the Bronx. After the game, we hailed a cab back to our hotel. An intense conversation ensued with our taxi driver  who we thought understood the address we gave him. Apparently not, he thought we said Harlem. Really. Do we look like we have things to do in Harlem?

“We had a fantastic time doing tourist stuff. The only thing we didn’t do was ride the scenic tour bus, and I prayed before we left that God would open our hearts and to enjoy each others’ company. My prayers were answered.”

Mish shared what was going on in her life while I was on vacation.
“I have another client,” she announced.
I gasped. “No kidding? I was praying the other day that God would put women in your life to counsel.”
“Thank you for that. Yes . . . this one woman called me and said she wanted to know more about the book The Desire Map and how to apply it in her life.”

A little background about Mish. In the past, she has looked for ways to reach out to women who are survivors of abuse. She is a survivor, too. The Desire Map: A guide to creating goals with soul
landed on her lap and she began to apply the principles in her life.

This book spoke to her. It has given her balance, awareness, authenticity, and energy to go after what she desires. In addition to one-on-one counseling, she leads retreats at
her home that teach women how to meditate and develop goals that make them feel good. She is a guide who helps people unleash desires and goals that have been hiding out in their hearts.

“My new name is Dynamic Badass,” she said. We both laughed.

After the call  with Dynamic Badass, I thought why not call my mother? I’m already on the phone.  I’m sure she would love to hear my voice.

“Hi Mother. How are you? Did my brothers take care of you?”
“Ohh, a miracle,” she says.

Oh nice, Mother has good news.

“You know, I pray to God one night. I say, “Oh Lord, please tell my son, Ed, to call me. I want to go to out, to casino. I have no driver. Lola is in New York. Then, next day your brother, Ed, call me. Oh my God, Tank you, Lord. I say.”

I can imagine my mother the night before fervently praying . . . twirling her rosary beads asking God to produce his next miracle — Ed picking up the phone to call our mother.

After talking to the two most important women in my life, I’m in awe of how God works in our lives.

My son, Ralph, is growing and maturing. He is finding his way in and out of Manhattan. I saw him in action with our New York cab driver who spoke  no English.
I was impressed, he takes no sh– from these guys! Right on! I say.
I keep telling myself, if my baby can make it in New York. He can make it anywhere. New York is schooling him at moment. But, he seems to be a fast learner.

I thank God each day for giving me the strength to let him go and be the man God wants him to be.

With respect to Dynamic Badass and my mother, I have never met individuals more generous
than these two ladies. Dynamic Badass is known for giving free counseling and my mother is known for her own version of Meals on Wheels.
I know that it is because of their giving spirits that God keeps blessing them with goodness in their lives. This I know — God blesses you as you bless others!

Dear God,
Thank you so much for listening to our prayers.
And for caring for us.

Continue to transform our minds each day. May we put our lives and concerns in your hands first knowing that you have the best outcome in store for us.

Amen, Lola

P.S For information on The Desire Map retreats/ counseling  email Mish at
jewelryfromtheheart@gmail.com

Pictures from NY

 

Golden Truths

 

For the last seven months
showing up every Wednesday
for Bible class has helped me a lot.

The class has provided structure in my weekly schedule.
I have a place to go. I wake up, shower and dress up, and show up at a church.
There, I join a group of women who talk about the Bible.

Discussing God and our Savior Jesus Christ is what my whole
body and soul needs during the time of transition in our family.

The women in my group are going
through empty nest syndrome, knee replacement,
cancer,  being newly widowed, and difficult or messy life mishaps with their grown children.

Of course, what happens in BSC (bible study class)  stays in BSC.

However, I can share some
golden truths about God and
how I have applied his truths
in my life based on listening and participating in BSC.

Here are a few golden truths on how God
has helped me live during this transitional season in my life.

1. He has taught me that every morning I need to decide on whether to live in fear or in faith.

I have a basket full of fears. Many of my fears are about my adult children living on opposite sides of the globe. My fears are endless. I worry who their friends are—are they drug
dealers? I wonder can they support themselves with the jobs they have?
I worry about the  kinds of ladies are they dating.

If I didn’t have God in my life and faith in Him. I would be a complete basket case. Everyday I take whatever fearful thought I have about my boys and give it to God.
I have faith that he is the only one who knows their every move.
He can guide, protect, and watch over my two sons.

2. He has shown me (often through my husband!) that my words and actions reveal what is in my heart.

Sometimes what is in my heart is crud. This trips me up every time. I constantly have to keep my behavior in-check especially in front of Ole Wise One.

Just last week I was  busy doing the dishes and running my mouth at the same time. I was judging  a dead uncle (my whole family never liked him) and going down the list about how he took up nothing but space in my aunt’s home.  To this day, I still can’t let it go.Then, I got on my aunt’s case how she never left his  lazy a–.

“And you attend Bible study, right?” Ole Wise One chimed in as he peeled an orange.

“Yes, once a week. I know. I shouldn’t be talking about my dear aunt like that.” I tell him. I continued, “I wonder if my uncle was just really good in bed? He was bright with his remote control and knew all the  NBA  players and never left his chair during March Madness . . . ,” turning to my husband, I add, “You  are a better person than me, for sure.”

“That’s right, hon. You need to let it go. The man is dead for crying out loud.”

See that, he is so right on and he puts me in my place.

3. God encourages me to do everything without complaining or grumbling.

When we complain we focus on what we don’t have.
We are ungrateful.

I used to complain many times during the day— but now, not so much.

My husband and I are blessed. We have food in our frig. We have our limps, but we can still paddleboard or  run a 5K. We have shiny cars that run smooth.
We  have jobs that pay for trips to Maui or Manhattan.
We have all our digital toys—iPads, iPhones, laptops–attached to us or around us all day long.

When we complain we are saying to God, “Is this the best you can do? Is this it?”

When I question God if this is his best, I’m being downer, soul-sucking, spoiled person.
I don’t want to be that person. It’s contagious.
When I catch myself trying on a pair of shorts and notice lots of varicose veins. I stop, turn my thinking around, look down at my legs, and say, “Thank you God.”

“I have my legs that can bend and take on a 10-mile hike.  I don’t need a knee replacement
and varicose veins are not cancer.”

4. With God, I know that when I’m confused about something or feel that something is beyond my control, I can turn to Him. I can pray about it.

God is the God of peace, not confusion.

Let’s pray.

Dear God,
Attending Bible class once a week has been good for me and it came at
such a perfect time in my life.

Thank you for blessing our group with talented leaders. Thank you for groups  such as this because they provide a way to get to know you, learn what you are all about, seek your guidance, receive your forgiveness, and appreciate your wisdom. Bible study classes provide a way to know that you love us and that we are always within your reach.

Amen, Lola