lola guerrero

50-something empty-nest-search-for-God-and-happiness with more than a dash of humor

20/20

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I must be a popular person to be with and loved. Of course, ZEN vibes
ooze out of my skin throughout  the day. Who wouldn’t want to be
with me?

Two invitations came to me  this week: one from Ol’  Wise One and the
other was from my BF.

Ole’ Wise One asked me to go to a high school graduation three hours away. It was for Jenna, his late best friend’s daughter. Getting there means driving to the ferry dock,
getting on the ferry, and then driving another two hours. Really.
Is that how I want to spend my precious Friday?

My BF invited me to go to the beach with her in July for the weekend with another girlfriend.  “Wow!” I thought. “Walking the beach with
two ladies I’m fond of sounds fantastic and I know at night there will be dinners with
serious talks about our husbands, grandkids, and world events. We will figure out what ISIS is all about and formulate ways to handle all the scary things on the news.
How can I refuse?

But, I began to ponder why I didn’t jump with  excitement. Is something wrong with me?
“NO, I’m being who I am,”  I told myself.
As I thought more about the situation, I became aware what I wanted to do.

It’s amazing to be over 50. I know how much I know what I want NOW. I know myself more  than ever. The layers of what I don’t want are peeling away faster and faster. Could it be that I’m AWAKE to the fact that I’m not  getting any younger. I know I have low estrogen.
And I know I’m getting closer to my grave.

As these layers peel away, I’m getting  closer to my soul,
the core of who I am–my true beautiful self.

With clarity, I know what I didn’t want. I didn’t want to
be in the car driving to an event that I could care less about.

How awful it would be for me to be with my husband with
this bitchy attitude.  The very truth was that was not how I wanted to
spend my day.

Going to the beach was not what I wanted to do for  one weekend
during the summer. I know there will come a time that I will see both of these ladies.
Just not this July.

By  saying “yes” to the two invites, my mind and body
would go through a  spin and rinse cycle of “Why did I say  yes? I don’t want to go,
but if I don’t go they will get mad or they will think I’m selfish.”

With my  20/20 vision and ability to know how I would react be in the future, I knew what I wanted and realized it before I said “yes” to something that I really wanted to say “no” to.

My days  and weeks are about my husband, making dinners, my mom,  my relatives, and my part-time job. When I do have the time to do nothing and have a moment to myself,  I feel like the luckiest woman on earth. I’m so grateful to have timeout. Having timeout with myself energizes me.
I’m centered. No one needs me!!! I love it.

I can do things like catch up on reading other blog sites,
take in a movie, get some writing done on paper–all sorts of
soul-caring stuff that feeds my soul.

Perhaps I’m making up time for all the yesses I said
back in my 30s and 40s.

My BF said to me “That’s OK if you don’t want to go. You are clear and
that is all that matters.” She is so supportive, caring, and spunky. That’s
why we are BFs .

This much I do know: I’m blessed and I thank God for all the great people in my life.

And to all the young women bloggers  out there, if you are reading this,
learn to say NO. It’s OK.

Dear God,
All week long, I give so much  to others.
And I know I’m on this planet  to work, have relationships,
to care for my mother, and to be a helpmate to my partner.

Thank you for giving me the clarity to know caring
for myself is just as important as giving to others.

Amen.

Lola

Author: lolaguerrero

50 something, mother of two, married, grandson named Napoleon. Love to go to the gym, watch films, act, write, jog, walk 10 miles with my husband, wine and travel. I"m a double tall, NF latte with half a pump of mocha with whip cream.

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