lola guerrero

50-something empty-nest-search-for-God-and-happiness with more than a dash of humor

Let It Be

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It was way too early to start crying. Can’t it wait
until 5 pm at least? Then, I can cry and have a glass of wine.

I glance at our kitchen clock. It was only 8 am.

“Get a hold of yourself. You’re hormonal,” I tell myself.
It’ll pass. You’re just missing the boys, Ruth, and Napoleon.”

My husband sees me retreat to my office.
“Do you want to go now to visit Napoleon? I will put you on a plane.”
He knows me so well.

“NO. Can’t I just release some tears?
I will visit Napoleon on his birthday, which is
70 days, 5 hours, and 2 minutes from now.”

Napoleon is our grandson. He and his parents, Ruth and our son, live in the Philippines.

My husband, I love him, but he feels he has to “fix it.” Not right now.
I really wanted to cry and release missing Napoleon,
feeling bad about gaining weight around my middle, and worrying that I should get a job at Rite Aid to give my life meaning. Then there are varicose veins  .  .  . fretting about health and life insurance and whether we have enough coverage.

All this noise takes up space in my heart and head.
I give it so much power.

And I’m Ms. Fix It when it comes to my boys.

I would fly to the ends of the world to be with
them. I would love to fly back to NYC to help
Ralph move in to a cramped three-bedroom apartment with
two other roommates. I’d stock up their fridge,
get new sheets for his bed, and sets of latte-colored
towels for their bathrooms.
Knowing my son Ralph. I don’t think that would fly.

For Christopher, he is so well taken of that he doesn’t need his mama. He has a driver and a yaya (a maid) six days a week. And he has Ruth, his partner.

However, I know someone who does need me. Lil’ Napoleon. He puts the spin on my top. He makes me laugh; he melts my heart.
I would be happy to be his 24 -7 nanny. I would be on board with
that.

I wish my husband and I had 17 more children like
that one family on TV. No empty nest season there.
None of this missing my babies and crying at 8 am.
Sheesh!

My inner dialogue each day comforts me: “This too shall pass. Let it be. God is good, he will provide, and he will not let you down.”

Dear God,
Each day I’m getting clear about appreciating what was then and what is now. I whisper a thank you that I had time with my sons and that I took part in raising and shaping them to be respectable young men.

Now, I release them to you for they were only loaned to
me for a short time.

I trust that you will show them the your way, your truth.

For all the empty-nest moms out there like me . . . fill our lonely
hearts with your spirit. Motivate us to get on with our lives and be
proactive.

Remind us that we’re not done yet. We’re just gettin’ started.

Amen

Lola

Author: lolaguerrero

50 something, mother of two, married, grandson named Napoleon. Love to go to the gym, watch films, act, write, jog, walk 10 miles with my husband, wine and travel. I"m a double tall, NF latte with half a pump of mocha with whip cream.

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